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| heart hurts, head's confused, spirit tired, why is it everytime i sit down to write... really write it takes so long to get myself to do so and two it's really hard to start, it's like a school assignment, i wait till the very last minute to do it, until it's a necessity, but I do that in real life too, or emotional life. I will only act or change once it's absolutely a must. It's good in making sure I know what I want to do and then do it. But in that time I am struggling and as time goes by it gets harder and harder until i crack!
Then I am sent into a charging spiral sucking up and saying, "fuck it!" to all hibitions. But when the change time passes, i begin to miss it, want it back, try to remain as long as possible, this is where I do things that aren't me, because I pulling all hibitions out to hold onto that feeling, time and purpose. Becaus it was good then, I knew I was ok with God, that I was at the right place, I liked learning new things and experiencing new things. I feel alive, like I am flying and everything is going to be ok.
So here I am having drained all I could out of the flight and now I am missing it, trying to live back there, trying to stay there, to live there, to get back there. Feelings were really strong and overcoming, it made sense and I knew my mission. I have been created to battle, to fight and to give all i have to give for a purpose. But I am afraid like basketball, or sports when I do that I end up stumbling, crashing into others and hurting them, to jump up forgetting my pain and help them. I hate myself and bereat myself for hurting somebody else and being so imature and responsible. I will carry their bruised body and try to heal their wounds without realizing I am walking on a broken leg. It will heal, but not without a struggle not without pain, which I will not fully experience because I will brush it off, knowing that it is only real if I can't walk anymore.
So what do I do now? I am holding on to Skuby in hopes of a future. But that can't be my hope, she can't be my hope, a relationship can't be my hope.
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| your scared, you don't know,
the more you hold on to you
the more you deny what you have done
and who you haven't become
the more I am hurt. confused, distant, lonely, confused, frustrated, want to stay away.
because you made it clear it was all a lie
but how much of a lie I don't know
who are you? I don't know, i thought it I did, when I was happy
when I was by your side looking up and walking like you
did you get tired
i remember more times that I had to convince you to play with me
than times you suggested it. I never rejected the offer you made me beg for your attention
but when i'd get it i was always dreading when you would go inside and be done
how can a game of catch turn into me beating myself up for over/under throwing
and causing you extra energy to play with me
i enjoyed being with you but dreaded when u would leave.
it wasn't just a game of catch it was time with you.
that's why I fell asleep while you were watching football
cause i knew you would still be there when i woke up.
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| words seem hopeless tonight
i guess the good thing of the day is that i made it
it's hard.. you know?
it's hard when you can't escape it and your therapist is right
drinking, masturbation, porn and smoking help as much as they hurt
i guess that's why people do drugs for a longer high... that sounds good right now.
i am not looking for happiness, just peace, just a relief from the somber pain
to take a deep breath
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| It's the photos that get me everytime other people having amazing adventures, awesome times with their loved ones i get jealous and wish so badly i could have been there to enjoy it all it seems soo relaxing, so freeing so fun maybe i just need a camera, maybe i need some more meds, maybe i need to grow up. | | |
| It's not that you don't care
it's that you think you do
It's not that you didn't nurture
it's that you think you did
It's not that you don't love
it's that you think i can accept it
It's not that your not there
it's that you are so distant
as I sit smoking a cig with a jameson on the rocks waiting,
I look up expecting Val any minute
just like I did for all my life
but alas it's not you it's somebody else.
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